An unspoken expectation is a common reason for discontentment in relationships. It may be hard to identify as they lie hidden beneath the surface of our interactions.  Having expectations is different from having deal breakers: you should be selective with the people closest to you as this will affect your thinking, mood, and health. Spend time with people you want to be more like and strive for those qualities yourself. Let’s cover common expectations and strategies to navigate each one.

Support

All of us wish our friends and family would be there for us in times of need whether it’s lending a listening ear, providing advice, or offering a helping hand. In dating relationships, this includes vulnerability, empathy, and support.

It is healthy to have a supportive community, but assuming others will be readily available and supportive of us is a recipe for disappointment. Consider what the other person may be thinking; perhaps your friend didn’t want to upset you probing about a sensitive topic. Perhaps they had good intentions behind a bad gift. Your preference for receiving care may not always match up with how someone cares for you. 

Communicate

Help the other person out by being specific about support you’d like, such as saying, “When I talk about my struggles, I’d appreciate if you would follow up in the future about what I’ve shared. It makes me feel that you are being supportive.” Avoid giving general statements such as “I’d like for you to be more supportive.” as that ‘support’ may look different to others.

If someone responds in a hurtful way, ask for clarification before jumping to assumptions. Communicate what makes you feel loved, and provide the opportunity for others to do so willingly; forcing or manipulating others to do things for you won’t get the results you want. Setting healthy expectations provides clarity, but don’t expect a sudden change overnight as habits take a while to form, and relationship skills don’t come easily to everyone.

Trust

Trust is essential to a relationship. We often assume that personal details will remain confidential. When someone breaches our trust, it can damage the relationship sometimes to a point of no return. Not everyone may feel comfortable being entrusted with this sensitive information, so make sure to ask about comfort levels before sharing, and state if you do not want something repeated before holding them responsible.

If someone breaks their promise, have a conversation to address your hurt. The person may have done so accidentally. Let them know how they’ve damaged your trust or the relationship, and provide an opportunity for them to apologize. If you are at a place to forgive, try to reconcile the relationship and be more careful of what you share in the future.

Commitment

In serious dating or marriage, it’s reasonable to expect priority and dedication from our partners. Things that demonstrate commitment include: not looking at others with lust, continual effort in the relationship, and acting in such a way that earns your trust. If you feel that your partner’s effort is lacking, talk to them about your frustrations with love and gentleness rather than attacking their behavior or character.

You may want to seek professional help if unspoken expectations are causing significant issues in your marriage. A trusted third party may also help facilitate constructive conversations and provide more guidance on managing expectations.

Respect

Demonstrate godly love by approaching your discussions with respect and empathy instead of playing the blame game. Try to find a common ground, learning to appreciate opinions that may be different from your own. In many cultures, there is an unspoken expectation of respect for elders within the family. Challenging or disregarding these expectations can strain family relationships, so we must be wise about we handle communicating our boundaries.

Express clearly what you are comfortable with and what you are not. This will help manage expectations and maintain healthy friendships. While some people may not respect boundaries, you are responsible for respecting other’s. Offer help instead of overstepping in what someone has been put in charge of. Don’t take it personally when someone rejects your advice or your offer to help; reacting negatively shows that you value your ways more than showing respect.

Authenticity

Be yourself and encourage others to do the same. Embrace and respect your differences. Authenticity strengthens friendships by fostering genuine connections and mutual understanding. Oftentimes, we need to take the first step of showing vulnerability to encourage others to feel comfortable to also share personal matters.

Responsibilities

We often expect people to share responsibilities in a marriage or family. This can include household chores, financial management, and child-rearing. A lack in distribution of responsibilities can lead to resentment and bitterness. When talking this out with your spouse or family member, be gracious by understanding that everyone has limits and needs space to recharge. Show your gratitude for what they are doing well so far in the relationship.

These can vary from person to person and culture to culture. Open communication, empathy, and setting clear boundaries are crucial to ensuring healthy relationships. By being aware of these expectations, individuals can better manage their relationships, promote understanding, and foster stronger connections.

Make sure there is an agreement before setting accountability or promises. Our human nature causes us to easily become upset when we feel that someone is not pulling their weight. Watch out for these small and hidden feelings of discontentment.

Special Occasions

In families or romantic relationships, we often place an importance of spending time or doing something special during holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries.

Communicate what you expect for special occasions, but don’t force others to fulfill these expectations. Be specific about how you’d like to celebrate certain holidays or anniversaries. Be open to objections or different opinions on the matter.

Avoid holding too high of expectations so that when the person does something special for you, you will appreciate the gesture rather than taking their efforts for granted.

Don’t compare the person to anyone else, such as thinking ‘Why can’t my spouse be more caring and compassionate like this person?”. Comparisons will only lead to discontentment or pride.

Compromise

Recognize that each person brings their own set of expectations to the relationship. Find areas of compromise where both needs can be met. Mutual compromise is crucial in building a healthy and balanced relationship. Be specific about what both parties are compromising, and stick with what you have agreed upon. If it doesn’t work after trying your best, have a candid conversation with the person.

Open Dialogue

One of the worst things you can do is assume someone’s intentions. Who can know our thoughts but God? Foster open and honest conversations rather than jumping to conclusions. Demonstrating your ability to listen will allow others to freely share their perspective without the fear of getting criticized. It helps to ask others about their communicate preferences, and let them know how you best communicate.

This will help you both gain a clearer understanding of each other. Even if someone did not have good intentions, this will provide an opportunity for the person to realize and reflect on their behavior.

Don’t give into using sarcasm or passive aggressive language. Timing is important; give yourself time to cool off and address the issue when your emotions are not running high. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

Example Responses

Bad Responses	Healthy Responses
I’m the only one who cares about cleaning up the house! You’re so lazy. Why can’t you help more?	I’ve done a lot of chores today. Could you please help me by cleaning the dishes?
I got you a bag of brown rice because it’s healthier for you.	Would you like to try brown rice? It’s healthier than white rice.
Okay, I don’t really care. So, here’s what my day was like…	Thanks for sharing. My day was not so great…

Conclusion

Make sure that you aren’t taking people for granted even when they meet your expectations or are simply doing what they are obligated to. Showing appreciation goes a long way in relationships.