The Silent Pitfalls of Expectations in Your Closest Relationships

Ever felt annoyed because your friend didn’t get the hint to ask about your awful day? Welcome to the world of unspoken expectations—a sneaky culprit of relationship woes. They hide beneath our interactions like ninjas, waiting to pounce. But worry not, we’re here to expose these expectation ninjas and show you how to deal with them.

Support

We all want our friends and family to be our cheerleaders, right? Whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, sage advice, or someone to laugh with us at terrible jokes. But here’s the kicker: assuming they’ll always know what we need is a surefire way to get disappointed.

Picture this: You’re upset about a bad day, and your friend gives you a “cheer up” cactus. Yes, it’s a plant, but it’s also a metaphor—prickly and not what you needed. Maybe they meant well! So, communicate your needs clearly. Instead of “I wish you were more supportive,” try “I’d love it if you could check in on me after I vent.”

Understand that people have different ways of showing support. Just because your friend doesn’t ask about your day doesn’t mean they don’t care. They might just be unsure how to approach you. 

Be specific: “When I share my struggles, it helps when you ask about them later. It shows me you care.” The clearer you are, the easier it will be for the other person to understand. If someone responds in a hurtful way, ask before you assume the worst. Maybe they didn’t mean it the way it sounded. 

Share what makes you feel loved and let others respond willingly. Forcing or manipulating won’t help. Be patient with changes—habits take time, and relationship skills can be hard to develop.

Trust

Trust is like the Jenga tower of relationships. One wrong move, and it can all come tumbling down. We often expect our secrets to be kept confidential, but not everyone is comfortable with this responsibility. Ask first: “Hey, can I share something personal? Please don’t repeat it.”

If trust gets broken, have a chat. “Hey, when you told Jane about my secret hobby of knitting sweaters for pigeons, it really hurt me.” Give them a chance to apologize and provide an opportunity for them to apologize. If you are at a place to forgive, try to reconcile the relationship and be more careful of what you share in the future.

Commitment

In serious relationships, like dating or marriage, commitment is key. It means not ogling at the barista, but instead valuing your boo, and being trustworthy. If your partner hasn’t been as attentive or is slacking off on investing in your relationship, gently express your feelings. “I feel neglected when you’re always on your phone during our dates,” works better than, “Why are you so glued to that screen?” Choose love and gentleness over attacking their behavior or character.

Professional help can also work wonders if unspoken expectations are wreaking havoc. Think of it as a relationship tune-up. A trusted third party like a pastor might be able to give some really helpful pointers and can even share some relationship secrets!

Respect

Respect is crucial. Instead of playing the blame game, approach discussions with empathy. Respect for elders, in many cultures, is a big deal. Ignoring this can strain family ties. 

Be clear about your boundaries but also respect others’. Don’t take it personally if someone rejects your advice. It’s not you, it’s… okay, maybe it’s you, but in a good way!

Show godly love by discussing things with respect and empathy, rather than blame. Find common ground and learn to appreciate different opinions.

Authenticity

Be yourself and encourage others to do the same. Embrace and respect your differences. Show vulnerability first—it’s an invitation for others to open up too.

Responsibilities

Expectations about shared responsibilities can cause friction. Chores, finances, kids—it’s a lot. A lack in distribution of responsibilities can lead to resentment and bitterness. Talk it out with empathy. “I appreciate all you do, but could we balance our chores better?” Gratitude goes a long way. 

A lack of shared responsibilities can lead to resentment. Understand everyone has limits and needs space to recharge. Make sure there is an agreement before setting accountability or promises.

Special Occasions

Most people have high expectations for holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

Be clear about what you want, but stay flexible. Don’t force it. “I’d love to celebrate our anniversary with a picnic. How do you feel about that?” works better than sulking because they didn’t plan anything.

Communicate your expectations for special occasions, but be open to different opinions. Avoid high expectations to appreciate gestures genuinely.

Compromise

Everyone brings their own expectations and needs. Find a middle ground. It’s crucial for a balanced relationship. Be specific and stick to agreements. If it doesn’t work, have a candid conversation with the person.

Open Dialogue

Don’t assume intentions—just ask. Who can know our thoughts but God? 

Honest conversations beat jumping to conclusions and help both people understand each other better. Avoid sarcasm or passive-aggressive comments. Don’t let your emotions get the better of you! Cool off before addressing issues. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

Show that you’re genuinely listening, and others will feel safe sharing their thoughts without fearing judgment. It’s helpful to ask people about their preferred ways of communicating and to share your own style as well. This mutual understanding can clear up a lot of misunderstandings. Even if someone didn’t mean to cause harm, this approach gives them a chance to reflect on their actions and improve.

Example Responses

Bad Responses	Healthy Responses
I’m the only one who cares about cleaning up the house! You’re so lazy. Why can’t you help more?	I’ve done a lot today. Could you please help me by cleaning the dishes?
I got you a bag of brown rice. Make sure to eat it.	Would you like to try brown rice? It’s healthier than white rice and I want to support your health.
Okay, I don’t really care. So, here’s what my day was like…	Thanks for sharing. My day was not so great…

Conclusion

Don’t take people for granted, even when they meet your expectations. Show appreciation—it goes a long way. Relationships thrive on understanding, empathy, and yes, the occasional laugh. Because the people closest to us can affect our thinking, mood, and health, spend more time with people you admire and have a good influence on you.