Disagreements are healthy and natural. (Proverbs 27:17) People with different opinions and perspectives provide a healthy challenge for us to grow, and complement our limited views. When we can respectfully discuss those differences, we build stronger relationships and better communication skills.

Decide If It’s Worth It

Identify if it’s worthwhile to bring up a topic that you’ll potentially argue over. Consider the following questions before you bring up a sensitive topic:

• Will it help the person?
• Would they be willing to listen?
• Would it jeopardize the relationship if I do or don’t talk about it?
• Would I be speaking from a place of judgment or care?
• When would be a good time to bring it up?

Ignoring problems just to avoid confrontation is not healthy for you or the relationship. Sometimes, you may want to wait until you’ve built a rapport with the person. Discern if and when it’s appropriate for you to bring up the topic. 

Pick Your Battles Carefully 

Perhaps you may need to pull the person aside and talk in a place without distractions. A private space is best for more sensitive topics. Be mindful of the person’s situation or emotional state. If someone is under more stress than usual, they may appreciate more gentle and gracious words.

The purpose of an argument is to build understanding and make progress, not to put the other person down. Pray for humbleness, and be quick about admitting your faults so that you don’t fall into the common pit of pride.

Prepare For Opposing Views

Consider whether your argument stands up in light of opposing or different views. Do research on why you might be wrong, and why other views might be right or better. This will prepare you for a better discussion and demonstrate thinking before speaking. (Proverbs 16:23-33)

Perhaps you’ll discover that you had the wrong attitude or understanding, and may not even need to talk it out.

Uncover The Reasons

Don’t write off a person because of one thing they do or say. People are complex. Many factors influence a person’s opinion. Successful communication is about identifying someone’s motivations, not simply targeting their behavior. Providing specifics will also help the other person understand what you mean and to respond clearly.

Find The Heart of The Issue

Focus on the point and keep a teamwork mentality. There are several pitfalls that distract us in an argument and cause more damage than good:

• Name-calling
• Dredging up mistakes from the past
• Getting side-tracked by other disagreements
• Comparing the person with others

Active Listening

Try your best to understand the person’s point of view.

1. Check if you understood correctly by asking with a paraphrase of what you heard in your words. 
2. Ask for clarity in areas from what they didn’t say to avoid making assumptions.
3. Offer additional reasons they may have forgotten to provide in support of their argument.

This active listening helps the person to feel heard and see your attempts to understand their perspective. “…Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19)

We need to be aware of our natural and oftentimes unhelpful responses, such as giving excuses or being defensive. Our emotions can easily spiral out of control if we are not careful with our thoughts which, in turn, become toxic speech. “A soft word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

When No One Is Convinced

Compromise

Also known as ‘Let’s agree to disagree.’, compromising is a mature approach to ending an argument, because both parties are agreeing to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship or to put someone else’s preference above their own. (Philippians 2:3-4)

Find areas where both parties’ needs can be met. Be specific about what you are and the other person is compromising, and respect the final decision. If it doesn’t work out after trying your best, have a candid conversation with the person.

Set Boundaries

Sometimes compromise is not possible if both people have very strong convictions on their stance. In some cases, you may want to set boundaries, being careful not to respond with resentment.

It is not easy to change behavior. New boundaries may take time for people to adjust their thinking and behavior, but be clear and serious about what is and is not acceptable to you. If someone continually oversteps your boundaries, make a change to avoid it from happening again. In some cases, it’s wise to distance yourself from the person who doesn’t respect your boundaries.

Controlling Our Emotions

When the conversation becomes heated, it may be best for everyone to step away and calm down for a moment. This gives you time to think about your points and responses the other person may have. Controlling our tongue and emotions have always been a challenge since the beginning of mankind. Issues are made worse from a lack of awareness.

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“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” (Luke 6:45)

“It is better to be patient than powerful. It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities.” (Proverbs)

“Without wood a fire goes out; without a gossip a quarrel dies down. As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome person for kindling strife. The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts.” (Proverbs 26:20-22)