There’s a difference between casual and committed dating. Casual dating involves zero commitment to the relationship and is for people who are just starting to learn about each other. It’s not advisable to go on continued casual dates with many people at the same time.

Committed dating grants the official title of boyfriend or girlfriend. It is a more serious consideration of the person for marriage. There should be a clear intention to develop the relationship steadily until you both have confidence for marriage. There is a level of commitment that you should work together to define. Clearly establishing expectations will help avoid mistrust and disappointments.

Friendship

It’s wise to start off as friends even if there is a mutual interest in dating. This allows you to learn more about them and see how they treat you while you have the status of being a friend. 

You should learn about a person’s values not only by their words, but by their actions and attitudes. Observe how they treat others, not just how they treat you. It may take some time to observe and learn who he or she is really like. This is best done in a group setting. The time frame really depends on how quickly you and the other person can learn about each other. 

Most people put up a front around strangers – whether consciously or subconsciously. If you haven’t known the person for long, observe how he or she acts in different situations and other people. Find opportunities for the person to be more comfortable around you. This helps bring their guard down, revealing their true character.

Attraction

Most people are drawn by looks and first impressions. Physical attraction is important in a romantic relationship. While it should not be ignored, physical attraction cannot serve as a lasting motivation. Only being firmly rooted in Christ will keep people together regardless of what else changes. Be careful to avoid these two common extremes: an unhealthy dismissal of attractiveness, and placing too much importance on looks. The most attractive quality you should see in them is their love for God, and their identity in Christ.

Ask the Lord for confirmation whether or not this person is right for you (and vice versa). If God is for this relationship, he will help you both develop physical along with spiritual attraction. Our desire to be attractive stems from how God designed us to be: to feel loved with a sense of belonging. Don’t succumb to peer pressure or settle for less because of your singleness. You are complete without being in a romantic relationship, because of Christ.

The pursuit of being attractive should not stop once you get married just as the church desires to be holy and blameless before Christ. (Ephesians 5:27) This is a reflection of the heart. When you are married, you have an obligation to continue caring for your health for the sake of your spouse. A healthy body is attractive. This should not be done with a feeling of burden or vanity, but motivated by love for the other person. You’ll also feel physically better and able to do more in life.

God created us to appreciate beauty in his creation. “A woman’s physical beauty is ultimately one reflection of the beauty of her creator. Put simply, it is part of God’s good design, something to be celebrated. And it matters when choosing a potential partner.” (Should You Date A Godly Woman You’re Not Attracted To? – Bryan Stoudt)

You may find the person attractive now, but less so in a few years because of circumstances and seasons of life. Make sure to appreciate the person as a whole.

Only dating someone for their looks is shallow, especially as these change over time, but if you aren’t physically attracted to someone at all, what’s the point of dating them? That would look no different than simply being friends. Practically speaking, physical attraction leads to procreation and the forming of a family as God commissioned Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28) It is a way for a couple to connect (Matthew 19:6) and cling to each other.

If you don’t initially have physical attraction to someone, don’t be too quick to write them off. Attraction may develop later on as you learn more about the person’s character or personality.

Values

Check if the person’s values and view of the world aligns with yours. This is essential to progressing in life and with each other. Having the same values will build a solid foundation for your relationship. It affects how you treat people, how you spend your time, and the things you do together.

Differences in life values may not seem that important now, but consider how that will affect the decisions you make together with your resources and time. Talk about the important things early on to save yourself from unpleasant and hurtful disagreements that could lead to a breakup. 

Specific values to learn about:

• What do they prioritize?
• How do they treat others?
• How do they view and use their resources?
• Where do they spend their time?
• Would you want them raising your children?

Goals

Learn about the person’s goals or callings in life. Can you see yourself supporting his or her goals? Would you be willing to support those goals emotionally, practically, and financially? Though you both may be dedicated Christians, their specific callings may be on a different path from yours.

Know your deal breakers and don’t compromise on them. Listing them out on paper helps you stay true to your values and avoid being swayed by lovey-dovey emotions once you start dating.

Sometimes we need emotional or practical support. Find someone who is supportive of you and your goals. It’s about the willingness of the other person, not the actual support they can give.

Compatibility

Some people would call this chemistry, but it’s not just about getting along. See if their personality and lifestyle would compliment yours. This is simply a general wisdom and may not be applicable to all relationships.

Check if their desired lifestyle is compatible with yours. Practical things to consider are schedules, activities, and living environments. Would you mind if someone worked long hours at work? Would you prefer staying in one location or constantly traveling?

Ignoring these differences will cause a strain in the relationship down the line, but things can work out if both parties are humble and continue to practice Romans 12:10-11. An example of compromising would be planning a mix of indoor and outdoor activities to satisfy both outdoor and indoor lovers and build appreciation for what others enjoy. Jesus can do the impossible; he can help anyone work out their differences just as he overcame immense cultural and status barriers.

Being compatible also means finding someone who pairs well with your strengths and weaknesses, such as being with someone who is more of a planner if you have a spontaneous personality. This is simply a general wisdom and may not be applicable to all relationships.

Conclusion

These are all just things to consider before or while you are dating someone. Every person is different, so figure out what works best for your relationship. When you start dating, be gracious with each other, especially if it is a first relationship. Mistakes will be made, and people will feel hurt. Forgiveness and reconciliation will need to be a common practice in any relationship. Try to be wise about when to let go and when to stand your ground.

The union of marriage doesn’t override our identity, it should amplify our individual gifts, perspectives, and callings for God’s greater purposes as “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9)

Questions to Ask Your Date

Values

• What do you always find time for?
• So what do you value most in life?
• Are you close with your family?
• What do you think about ______ ?

Goals

• What’s your dream job?
• Do you have any life goals?
• Are there any personal projects you’re currently working on?

Compatibility

• What do you like to do for fun?
• If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you pick and why?
• If you weren’t limited by money or time, what would you do?

These questions are just ideas for you to get a more productive conversation going. Feel free to put your own spin on it. Ask about things you genuinely want to know, and try not to make the person feel like they’re being interrogated!

As you show interest in the other person, chances are they will ask the questions back to you, so it doesn’t hurt to prepare your answers as well.