Even when we start out with the right intentions, we accidentally hurt others with our words or actions. Sometimes, this is due to a misunderstanding, and other times, from inappropriate behavior that stems from a wrong mindset. Either way, it’s best to reach out to the affected person and communicate what went wrong.

Sometimes it may not be so obvious that you’ve hurt someone as certain people tend to bottle things up and avoid confrontation. If you sense something is wrong, give the person space to open up about what they’re going through and show them you care. This includes being sensitive about when and where you bring up the question. For example, you should not question them about your relationship in front of all their peers.

Once you are know that an apology is appropriate, be quick to admit your faults. This shows and helps you to maintain a humble heart. Here are the steps you can take to ensure that you properly apologize to the person who was hurt:

1. Apologize Clearly

If you don’t say ‘I’m sorry.’, how will they know you are? Start with a sincere and straightforward acknowledgment of what you did wrong. Uttering the simple phrase “I’m sorry” is essential. If you find that it’s helpful to explain your point of view, clarify that your explanation is just to help with understanding, not to be taken as an excuse.

God cares about our relationships. He desires for us to reconcile with each other as soon as possible. (Matthew 5:24)

2. Explain why it was wrong.

It’s not just about saying sorry; you need to think about and explain why your behavior was not okay. (Romans 12:15) This shows your ability to understand how the other person feels. If you are not sure why, take the time to patiently ask and understand the person’s point of view.

By stating what you understand, you signal that you’re not just apologizing for the sake of it but are genuinely invested in comprehending the nuances of the situation.

3. Explain why you care.

A simple ‘sorry’ is doesn’t always cut it. It helps to explain why you care about the person or the relationship. Are you sorry just to avoid problems, or do you truly feel bad about what you did? Take a moment to think about why the relationship matters to you. Be honest with yourself and the other person.

If you genuinely care, talk about why the relationship is important to you and how you feel about the person. This makes your apology more real and shows that you’re not just trying to avoid the consequences. On the other hand, if you’re only apologizing to keep things calm, recognizing what prevents you from being genuinely sorry can help you assess any personal issues you might have such as pride, selfishness, or fear.

4. Back up your apology.

Saying ‘sorry’ takes humility, but is easy to say. An apology isn’t genuinely felt until commitment is proven. Your words gain credibility when backed up with action and a willingness to change. (1 John 3:18) It’s all about showing that you’re serious and committed to making improvements for the sake of the relationship. 

What caused you to make the mistake? How can you prevent it from happening again?

Consider practical steps you can take, like fixing any damage, replacing what you broke, or changing how you behave. The key is to align your actions with the gravity of the situation, proving genuine effort to learn from your mistake. This proactive approach shows responsibility, and dedication to rebuilding the relationship.

Regardless of what you can do practically, come up with a plan to avoid making the same mistake in the future. The plan may not be perfect the first time, so be open making improvements as you learn what works and what doesn’t.

Learning from others’ mistakes will help you avoid many troubles; try to avoid doing wrong in the first place. (Proverbs 21:11)

5. Accept the outcome.

When you can’t make up for something, accept the outcome and pray for peace. Acknowledge that there may be consequences that cannot be avoided. Your attitude towards the outcome matters just as much. Being gracious and gentle is part of a genuine apology.

Shift the focus from yourself to the person affected, praying for them with patience and compassion. You may desperately want the relationship to be quickly fixed, but it’s important to recognize that forgiveness is a personal choice for the aggrieved party. You cannot demand to be forgiven nor should you expect them to act as if nothing happened – even if they forgive, that doesn’t mean they forget. Sometimes, it’s wise for someone to set new boundaries or even distance themselves with those who keep hurting them.

As a thoughtful gesture, consider offering a peace offering, such as a favorite snack or flowers, to symbolize your sincerity and dedication to rebuilding trust. Just keep in mind that if the person forgives you, it is out of their own choice, not because you bought their forgiveness.

Seek God for forgiveness and growth.

Remember that Jesus has already paid for your guilt and shame. (2 Corinthians 7:10) After genuinely repenting of your mistakes, move on from beating yourself up over them. Living in guilt often leads a person to commit even more mistakes. Though we may repeat our mistakes, God cares about the heart and will help us to grow if we are humble before him.